so here i am again, at the internet café that lies between San Roca y San Fernando. i like to come here with a coffee after class and take my time on the world wide web; disconnect myself for a while, while i connect myself to my life back in Norway.
even though most days are sunny, unfortunately not all days within are likewise. there aren´t really anything big that makes me feel like this, some of these days. sometimes i get myself down and i curse myself for my own foolishness and my inability to change. they say that change comes without yourself noticing it...and i hope this is true., but i cant really see any signs. i am thinking that i might as well still be 16. for a while i pretended to brush all dirt off my shoulders, and ignore all the unpleasant things that would occur to me. i distanced myself mentally from the things that i needed to deal with.
little did i know that one day i would have to untangle every little crux of my issues, one by one...and rewind from Z to A. now i am getting some perspective on things.
i have always embraced the fact that i am an independent person and that i really dont need anyone but myself. for gods sake, i even tattooed "i walk alone" on my foot! in certainty that this was an unchangable and ever present fact; in which i choose to define myself. but at the same time a have this insane need of intimacy; but i can never give myself completely over to someone else. because i dont need them. i want my freedom, my liberty and my impulsiveness. if i let those qualities go - who would i then be? cus everyone knows that if you lose youself, you lose everything. but, what occured to me when sitting on the bus between San Miguel de Allende and Guanajuato the other week, is that this choice of solitude and the physical need for attention, simply do not collide. for too long have i been unaware of this dysfunctional relationship. who can live like that? it only leads to depression and dissatisfaction. exhausting!
what i came to realize is that: i am moving towards the wrong urge. in stead of moving towards the people, i withdrdaw myself to isolation; while telling myself this is a good thing. as long as i am independent, everything will be all right. but this is a lie. there is such a thing as being too independant. because you will end of alone. which might be my greatest fear of them all. and if i continue like this...well. i am 21 years old. i am still damn young. i have 21 summers, 21 new year´s eves, 21 birthdays. but how many loves can i look back at?
rapid change is overrated and i am weak, especially when it comes to my own promises. but i hope change will come, poco a poco. i hope one day i will have an awakening and understand that what is bad isn´t good for me. if you follow. i am tired of going in circles.
"Yeah, it's always better when we're together"
- jack johnson
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