Everybody's Seaching For Intimacy

Today's theme on Oprah was dysfynctional sexuality within different couples, and how to cope with them in order to have a harmonic relationship. The author of the book "Real Sex for Real Women", Laura Berman, was there to present some of the themes in her book. She spoke about something I found interesting, which was the word intimacy. Well, you'd think you know what it means; the normal association is just a finer term for sex. But on the show she talked about different types of intimacy that need to be in balance for a good relationship to work. Sexual intimacy is an important factor in a romatic relationship, but emotional intimacy is something else. Together they compose what one would characterize as "love". It is when this balance is achieved that love takes over.



I'm not about to write a book review, but some of the things they discussed on the show triggered me to think about the parallel betweed sex and relationship. You have to love yourself physically and emotionally before you can expect to be loved, and to achieve a romantic relationship. But I'm just contemplating; how the heck do you do that? When there's no one to show you the way? And I realize that these are things you need to figure out on your own... but I don't want to wait till I'm too old and it's too late. I'm starting to resent my own unpatienceness. I want to have it all; but that's not how it goes. So basically that means that I'm maintaining my own loneliness. Huh...

I had this idea as I was going to bed the other night. The thought intrigued me to such an extent that I was unable to sleep. The way I deal with the other sex is in a rather superficial way. I have come to the point that I think I am not about to meet anyone that can fulfill my emotional needs/standards in an ideal relationship, so usually I keep whatever's going on simple and effortless. Does it make me happy? No. But to my defense I ask, what is happiness? Happiness is just like the illusion of love: non-existing, with the sole purpose to keep us miserable by our continuing lack to achieve it. Deep down, I hope it's not really like that. Like Madonna sings: "Don't you ever tell me...Tell me love isn't true. It's just something that we do." Maybe it's just to simple to think like that. Because it's easier to be cynic and say that love is but an illusion than to actually feel something. Am I too proud for love? Or too scared of being hurt? Everyone knows that you have to risk to get an reward.

Either way, back to my mind flow: I've grown weary of the superficialness in which I often choose to act out. Quite frankly, it's getting old. I'm ready for new things; if I continue like this I will lose my integrity. I put myself down to an inferior level, because I know I chould be so much more. I imagined to start over, in a new place, with new people, with a new me. To reinvent myself, - to recast the old me into a different form. To ridden myself of the superfical things that defines who I don't want to be. By this, I mean both physically and emotionally. Is such a thing possible? Can you quit on yourself, or would the old you always catch up with you?

I would shave my head, take my ear-rings out, not wear make-up and only comfertable clothes. I wouldn't get drunk, thus having a clear mind. I would write in my journal, read books and not use the internet. I would not care about making an impression, just listen and learn. I would move around in strange countries, socialize with the people I come over and mingle with the locals. I would be open minded and not stuck on the views I've always had. This way I will learn the delicacy of love. And the potential attachments would be in a deeper spiritual level before in an intimate way. I am more than my skin. Physical appearance is ephemeral, integrity is permanent.

Perhaps this sounds completely crazy. It wouldn't be a journey in search of myself. I know who I am., well at least I know who I don't want to be. Besides, life's not about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself.

My friend told me she doesn't think it's necessary with such a drastic change. She's probably right. I'm glad I have someone to pull me down to earth when my mind's on an overflow. And, really, who am I kidding? - I'd be scared shitless.